Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
